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Kia Ora guys. I’m (Andy) back from the land of the long white cloud, and needless to say I am ravenous. I have to give honorary mention to Fergburger in Queenstown, everyone knows about it, but that’s a damn fine burger!

Kettners was next on our list, a couple of our mates had told us it was pretty decent, so let’s see if they have a f***ing clue what they’re talking about. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a burger with a background pianist. Classaffair.





Let’s be absolutely clear about this. This is the worst patty I have eaten ever. EVER. The beef was over worked, which meant it was incredibly compact (see the photo below), making it dry and crumbly. There was no seasoning and it tasted like mince you have just browned whilst making a spag bol…like iron. It was foul. Absolutely foul. They could only cook the patty medium or well done. Having written that, even if they could have cooked it med-rare, it would have been just as bad. Terrible


Oh, this isn’t starting well. They won’t cook the burgers less than medium (or well-done apparently). Ok, I accept that (even though no-one is telling them this should happen) as sometimes the meat still holds up and it can be decent. However, in this case it was just awful. Dry, chewy, almost tasting metallic, just disgusting.

‘But this ship can’t sink!’
‘She’s made of iron, sir! I assure you, she can… and she will. It is a mathematical certainty’  Score: 0.5





Passed the Rip Test® but apart from that, it was a bit too chewy and added nothing to the proceedings.


Pretty average. Made worse by the fact you want some juice of the burger soaking into the bun. Non-existent.

Move along Score: 3





The bacon was the best part. Salty, crispy, and ever so slightly chewy, it was one of the only parts of the burger I liked. The thinly sliced pickles were great. But that’s when the fun ends. The cheese was ok, standard cheddar, but what really “irked” me was this ridiculous rectangle shaped lettuce leaf. Pretentious rubbish. Who actually shapes the lettuce like that in a burger, let alone a rubbish one?


The salad provided the only moisture and it was actually quite good at washing away the irony dry taste of the patty. The bacon and cheese are ok actually, but, have I mentioned the patty?

Funny word, ‘irk’. Score:5


Pickles and bacon good



Unlike Andy’s, my burger fell apart all over the place. The top half would not stay on the patty for more than 5 seconds. So in the end I gave up and ate it with a knife and fork (yeah…I KNOW).


No danger here. This isn’t going to fall apart, but overall the whole thing is a whole lot of nothing.

Inconsistent structure Score:5




Our first burger review for ages, and it was one of the worst burgers. we have ever had. £13.50 for a cheeseburger including chips, with an extra £1.50 for the bacon, this was simply daylight robbery.

Our two guests can verify how bad this was if you like.

Time to contemplate whether we can carry on like this (Ronnie O’Sullivan style)

We will be in touch soon with an answer.

In the meantime, take care of yourselves, and each other

View more photos in our gallery and check out its placing in our League Table

Kettners on Urbanspoon

Square Meal


One response »

  1. Love the comment about the rectangular lettuce leaf, sounds so pointless. First visit to Honest Burger on Sunday based on your recommendation. Got to say, it didn’t disappoint!


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